Recovery

How long can this take??? He's SO much better than he used to be, but still, he's slow, paces and wanders, doesn't know what to do with himself when he's not asleep, and still sleeps almost all the time. He is beginning to connect to me, like when he comes looking for me for attention and affection - especially first thing in the morning. It's so sweet it sometimes brings tears to my eyes.

Here he is with Arno begging for food, as they always do. Why? Because I've fed them from the sofa, of course! My own fault - but I love having them look up at me like this.

How could I have ever known how much I'd love this little guy. The connection took a while, but it can't be denied. He's SUCH a sweetheart.

His recovery. It's slow, but it's happening. Sort of like my own recovery. I'm learning what is deep down in the core of my ego, and why being alone hurts so much. The recovery is slow, but it's happening. I still get impatient, but less so, with myself and Ashley. Time heals, but not without help and understanding. Ashley now understands that I'm his mom and that I love him. I now understand that I'm going to come out of this, whole. Yes, recovery is a journey (such a trite phrase - but so very true), and it takes as long as it takes. Ashley has me, and I have me. Sweet.

Leading the pack

I was still exhausted, traumatized and feeling lost and alone from leaving my ex-husband a year and half before the adoption. We were together 18 years and he was the love of my life. Leaving him and my home was the hardest thing I have ever done and it broke my heart, leaving me in shock. I left in order to save myself. It was as if I was in quicksand and sinking fast, with my life force quickly being sucked out of me. I kept blaming him for being the way he was, but I learned that he didn’t need to change for me. Everything I wanted him to be for me, I could be for me. Ouch. I’m still working on it, but part of what I wanted in him (and now in me) was leadership, strength, and confidence. And wouldn’t you know it, these were the things I learned that enabled me to adopt Ashley.

The reason I couldn’t adopt Ashley until I changed was that Arno had an aggression issue toward puppies and any dog he deemed to be behaving improperly - too dominant, hyper or with bad doggy manners. It’s cute sounding, but it wasn’t cute when I walked him. I was scared and nervous (not good leadership) he would get away from me and get into a fight with a German Shepherd, Pit Bull or Rottweiler - and get killed. Or, he would attack a puppy or small dog and kill it. I started watching The Dog Whisperer with Cesar Milan and practicing his techniques.

The biggest change I had to make was becoming the leader with Arno and disciplining him when he misbehaved. I learned to walk him and not let him walk me. Once I got the strength and confidence to keep him under control (most of the time, anyway), I was able to adopt Ashley and walk 2 at the same time. It was an amazing process to BE the leader of our little pack, which translated into being the leader in my life.

I realized that I hadn't been the leader in my life, and certainly not in my marriage. My life had become out of control and I was the victim. I am still developing personal empowerment and learning to lead my life in the direction my heart leads it. To become my own authority, as well as Arno's and Ashley's pack leader. Thank you Cesar for showing me that Arno was simply reflecting my own inner experience. And thank you for showing me how to take control and be able to adopt Ashley.

Again, life gives us exactly what we need. I'm learning to trust that.

The Meaning of Rescue

I got this poem in the adoption packet when I picked up Ashley. I still cry when I read it because this described him exactly. He was sad, tired, and completely traumatized by what he went through.

The Meaning of Rescue...

Now that I'm home, bathed, settled and fed,
All nicely tucked in my warm new bed.
I'd like to open my baggage
Lest I forget,
There is so much to carry -
So much to regret.
Hmm . . . Yes there it is, right on the top
Let's unpack Loneliness, Heartache and Loss,
And there by my leash hides Fear and Shame.
As I look on these things I tried so hard to leave -
I still have to unpack my baggage called Pain.
I loved them, the others, the ones who left me,
But I wasn't good enough - for they didn't want me.
Will you add to my baggage?
Will you help me unpack?
Or will you just look at my things -
And take me right back?
Do you have the time to help me unpack?
To put away my baggage,
To never repack?
I pray that you do - I'm so tired you see,
But I do come with baggage -
Will you still want me?

-- Unknown