Leading the pack

I was still exhausted, traumatized and feeling lost and alone from leaving my ex-husband a year and half before the adoption. We were together 18 years and he was the love of my life. Leaving him and my home was the hardest thing I have ever done and it broke my heart, leaving me in shock. I left in order to save myself. It was as if I was in quicksand and sinking fast, with my life force quickly being sucked out of me. I kept blaming him for being the way he was, but I learned that he didn’t need to change for me. Everything I wanted him to be for me, I could be for me. Ouch. I’m still working on it, but part of what I wanted in him (and now in me) was leadership, strength, and confidence. And wouldn’t you know it, these were the things I learned that enabled me to adopt Ashley.

The reason I couldn’t adopt Ashley until I changed was that Arno had an aggression issue toward puppies and any dog he deemed to be behaving improperly - too dominant, hyper or with bad doggy manners. It’s cute sounding, but it wasn’t cute when I walked him. I was scared and nervous (not good leadership) he would get away from me and get into a fight with a German Shepherd, Pit Bull or Rottweiler - and get killed. Or, he would attack a puppy or small dog and kill it. I started watching The Dog Whisperer with Cesar Milan and practicing his techniques.

The biggest change I had to make was becoming the leader with Arno and disciplining him when he misbehaved. I learned to walk him and not let him walk me. Once I got the strength and confidence to keep him under control (most of the time, anyway), I was able to adopt Ashley and walk 2 at the same time. It was an amazing process to BE the leader of our little pack, which translated into being the leader in my life.

I realized that I hadn't been the leader in my life, and certainly not in my marriage. My life had become out of control and I was the victim. I am still developing personal empowerment and learning to lead my life in the direction my heart leads it. To become my own authority, as well as Arno's and Ashley's pack leader. Thank you Cesar for showing me that Arno was simply reflecting my own inner experience. And thank you for showing me how to take control and be able to adopt Ashley.

Again, life gives us exactly what we need. I'm learning to trust that.

Episodes

The first time Ashley had one of his episodes I panicked. He paced and panted all around the house. This started around 10pm, so I was up almost the whole night. I made a bed on the floor with blankets and let him crawl all over me. He had to be ON me, so I just laid on the floor and let him do whatever he needed to do. I felt so bad for him, but this was the only thing I was able to do. I was totally helpless to ease his distress.

The next day I called my vet to take him in for an exam. She found nothing wrong, but gave me a sedative to relax him and a referral to a canine internist. $800 later at the internist, still no diagnosis. The episodes continued as well as my worry. Finally we determined that he must have a brain tumor. All we could do was give him a sedative to make him sleep. At least he wouldn't be suffering for as long.

But then the episodes stopped for a while. And when they began again, he now shook as if he was terrified or cold. At first I thought it was caused by his teeth because it began while he was eating. I started crushing his food, but then the last one started while he was sleeping. That was this past Sunday. It was the worst ever. The next day he was dazed, confused, running into things and falling down. By the afternoon he was fine, but he had never acted this way the day after. Now I'm really concerned.

What is going on here?

Whatever it is, I have to surrender to it. I never know when it will begin, why it begins or how to help me. Life has given me so many lessons these past few years to teach me acceptance and how to be with what is, without resisting it. These episodes are the perfect gift. I can't get mad at Ashley, I can't help him and I can't keep it from happening. What else is there to do but surrender, comfort my sweet little boy as much as possible and just be in the moment?

Life does give us just what we need.